vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
