I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
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I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
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I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM