I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.