How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
this is an emotional support booty call
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.