Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
