New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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