There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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