There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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