my mouth tastes like poor choices
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
