Betty ford says i'm here all night
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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