Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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