I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The Olympian is in my bed
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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