That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We left an ass print on the piano.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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