dude i'm inner monologue high
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
