So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
