two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
