I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
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I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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