I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
