i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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