and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
