It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
