It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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