Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
