I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
