Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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