I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
