She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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