I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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