ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
