I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
