The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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