dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
