FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
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on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
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My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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