I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
