you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yo dont text me then not text me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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