Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
