The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
