was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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