i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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