On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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