I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Blood and glitter go together right?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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