Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
