i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
