I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
