What did we do last night that was yellow?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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