He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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