you're like a bully in the Christmas story
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
