Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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