Where did you get a picture of my penis
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
