This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
