we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
