That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
