i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
