But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
