I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
