I think my fart just growled at me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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