he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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