No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
