How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
