I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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